Sometimes I feel like I am sowing and sowing, and I’m not ever going to reap.
I’ve been stuck in this one job I don’t like for almost two years now. The days are long and monotonous. I wonder if all of my faithfulness to God in the midst of this hardship will ever return anything. It’s not that I choose to be faithful to God only to get things. But sometimes I just want to not feel like I’m barely surviving.
But then I remember who God is, what he’s done for me. I remember that he doesn’t waste a single thing. And not only does he not waste a single thing, but he multiplies. He radically blows the lid off every situation to where my expectations are exceeded.
Tonight I remembered one grand miracle that has happened over the past 7-8 months.
It started last September, when I was messaged by someone who said my blog felt like God was speaking directly to them. And this person wasn’t a believer, but all of a sudden, it’s like God’s voice was crystal clear. From that message began a daily online conversation about who God is and what being a Christ follower actually is outside of religion. I witnessed him slowly having the revelation of who God is, and then one night, he said he finally understood. He said that he could see how all the things in his past were breadcrumbs leading up to this one moment, that all that seemed random was actually eclipsed in glory. He experienced the presence of God for the first time.
This happened to be around the time that my church was about to have its yearly conference, and I had the thought that I really wanted this guy to go. I had never met him in person, but I just really wanted him to come, to see more of God. So despite being on a very fixed income, I took a big step and paid $120 for him to come to conference. I decided that a person’s soul is worth every penny I’ll ever have and even if I went broke, it would be worth it.
He came to Nashville and was radically changed by that conference. And I was changed. And we grew closer together. I instantly felt comfortable with him. One night we stayed up until 3 in the morning watching old videos of mine and he was genuinely interested in every part of me. He said I was like a great book that he was only in the first few pages of, that he wanted to keep going deeper.
And then a week later, I went to visit him, and we discovered that there was more to our relationship, and he became my boyfriend. It was so unexpected, but it broke open my heart in a new way. I experienced radical relationship healing after we began dating. I remember I sat in his arms and cried the first night we hung out because for so long I had feared letting someone in that far. I didn’t realize it, but my heart feared emotional intimacy. He just held me and listened. That’s when I knew he was the one for me.
After that, relationships in general blossomed for me. I began craving time with my friends, whereas I used to crave time alone. My heart felt full and secure not because I had a boyfriend who loved me, but because God used my boyfriend to be the catalyst for my heart healing. It was Holy Spirit who changed everything.
Last September, I gave someone I barely knew $120. Some might call that crazy. But my investment made in faith was actually the very thing that brought me the love of my life who is now such a strong man of God who inspires me every day. Definitely worth $120.
And so in thinking of that, I am reminded that God is faithful. Something can look bad but if I’m drawing close to God and investing, he will always deliver. He will always provide and bless and make the absolute best way.
I want to always take big steps of faith. I want to follow the whispers of God, even when they might seem crazy to everyone else.
Although it might look like lack in the moment, the things I’m planting now are the beginnings of my miracles to come.
